ESPN breaking news: Favre Conflicted, Manny had the Chicken Salad
Thank god I raced home to watch Sportscenter tonight, as the “breaking news” was indeed a shocker…
– BRETT FAVRE IS CONFLICTED ABOUT RETURN –
This headline won’t come as a shock…
– ESPN HAS OFFICIALY BECOME TMZ –
Thank you ESPN-ABC-DISNEY for turning the luscious Rachel Nichols into the sporting equivalent of Perez Hilton, complete with a live daily stalking of Brett Favre’s Gardener…
Rachel Nichols of TMZ/ESPN
ESPN anchor: “we go live now to Hattiesburg where Rachel Nichols updates us on the very latest on Brett Favre’s return… Rachel your still there, yuk-yuk, we can hear the traffic”
Nichols: “yes, I was here this morning in camo fatigues stalking Brett’s dog groomer as he left the compound, he told me that in deep discussions with Favre during Princessess nail trimming, that Brett is somewhat conflicted.”
ESPN anchor: “let me get this straight Rach, so Brett is undecided about his return?”
Nichols: “thats what I’m hearing, though we expect a decision from Brett soon, say our sources…by the way gotta thank Favre’s pool boy for the ice tea, luscious and lemony . I can now confirm that despite our Southern location, Brett does not, I repeat Brett does not - drink sweet tea. thats all we have here, it’s back to the bushes with the long range lens for me guys.”
Brett favre puts the (insert team name here) in limbo
ESPN anchor: “Stay safe Rachel, switching gears to baseball now as our own Peter Gammons reports live from the bathroom of Pinks hot dog stand in Beverly Hills, where Manny Ramirez has decided against the chili topping, opting instead for nacho cheese spread…”
Despite the fact that ESPN has literally and figuratively gone Hollywood, it’s Sportscenters absolute obsession with “picking a popular horse” and then beating his story into the fucking ground…shamelessly ditching the inconvenient word SPORTS from their mission statement .
How to save 57 minutes of your life every day: from a 60-minute Sportscenter. Promise me when I say this script WILL NOT change… and hasn’t changed in Brett Favre’s case in over two fucking years.
-
Sportscenter Intro Teaser:
The latest on Brett Favre… Michael Vick wants to play football… Manny played baseball, and of course the Yankees and Red Sox… stay tuned for your Sports leader. -
Sportscenter Minutes 1 through 57:
Brett Favre- conflicted
Arod -hits homer
Manny Ramirez- had chicken salad
Michael Vick- who will he play for… Mortenson makes shit up
Lebron James- every single bowel movement chronicled
Tiger- is he the best ever?… again
Yankees- whether they played or not
Red Sox- woohoo, game 147 of 162 -
Sportscenter Minutes 57 through 60
-coors light cold hard facts about the budwesier hot seat
-32 seconds worth of highlights from any other team/game played that day
-shameless ABC plug
-tell us we’ll get the latest on Favre/Vick/Manny again tomorrow
-rinse & repeat
Manny Ramirez- shouts out to ESPN
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- Jamarcus Russell Crapped Out
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A far cry from the Berman era ESPN. There is so little actual sports coverage on SPORTScenter now its ridonkulous.
Do we really need 147 NFL analysts to tell us what happened, it is overhype and overkill, with little actual sports. Thats ESPN, your sports leader. Ugh.
Crackhead Bob II