Dear ESPN: Take Your Cat
Dear ESPN: Take Your Cat and Leave my Sweater
***** Editors Idiots note: 4:24am, channeling Keith Urban here at oh-fucking-dark-thirty…
“woke up this morning around 4am with the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate…” Arising at some godforsaken hour, when without even a glance at the trusty “soothing sounds of nature” alarm clock, you KNOW its the middle of the friggin’ night… ghosts and goblins time- the witching hour- blah blah… waking to the nauseous glow of a Sportscenter moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate.
The Sportscenter set on TV providing the only light in the room, a ceaselessly flickering montage from a cheapass 27″ tube. The “digital comb filter” carpet bombing my bleary eyes (sans UV protection) courtesy of the Mengele inspired transgender incest between DisneyABCespN… whose Sportscenter set I can adequately describe as a cross between a violent dust storm on Mars, and a Seagull regurgitating clownfish to feed its young .
A volcanic ensemble
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Dear ESPN:
This is a breakup letter… I am finally leaving you. I could text you this Timberlake style, but I thought this most dignified considering our always passionate, sometimes fiery 30-year relationship.
I’ll be brief as honestly I am actively seeking a new paramour in sporting lust; a slimmer version of what used to be you… before you went Hollywood on me. No doubt you are busy adding widgets, inking the “Coors Light cold hard facts about the Budweiser Hot Seat” sponsorship deal, and playing with even more mutations of Pantone orange #021c.
Initially you were my savior, filling the massive sporting void between 5 minutes of Ted Leitner and Al Gore founding this whole internet thing. Now you have become a bloated caricature of yourself on par with Entertainment Tonight and the Springer Show, force-feeding your obsessive compulsive Yankees Red Sox disorderupon us, fellating yourselves every time Terrel Owens spews verbal diarreah on the mike. Showing me yet again, 4 minutes of ACTUAL SPORTS HIGHLIGHTS, sprinkled amongst contrived drama between John Clayton and (is he wearing pants?) Sean Salisbury, detailing every chunk of corn found in the latest Manny Ramirez bowel movement.
“Who’s now?” you ask? Well I haven’t found her yet. Unlike my proverbial childhood “girlfriend in Canada,” she IS real and she is coming. She’ll provide me what my souls seeks… raw, unfiltered, drama free, Hollywood exempt, explicitly carnal, sports footage.
She’ll sprinkle in some authentic commentary and analysis, but mostly she’ll just shut the hell up and “let them play.”
Boo-yah.
Sincerely,
Tanner Boyle
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ESPN Sportscenter Related posts:
Refreshing piece! Can’t tell you how much I COMPLETELY AGREE that ESPN has taken a big turd of late, in terms of providing us actual sports highlights. Drama drama and more drama not fit for your mama…. thats the new ESPN folks.
D
Wow, that Sportscenter picture could trigger epileptic seizures.
They have completely lost their minds at ESPN, the “S” is now a misnomer, replaced by the strength of the “E” as in entertainment. Contrived he said she said brought to you by Entertainment Sports Paparazzi Network… sister station TMZ.
ESPN can have my cat and my sweater, if they will PLEASE just shut the fuck up and play highlights. Why must we endure another Yankees and Red Sox tribute, aka Sportscenter?
Forget Brett Favre, Tiger Woods, Manny and Arod I say, how about letting the SPORT do the talking?
The Mirror
Never seen a better post on ESPN! It is very sad what has happened at Bristol and ESPN Sportscenter headquarters. What used to be great now sucks, and is a 90-minute tribute to ABC programming and fake drama. Sports, you said it best, sports is what SPORTScenter is supposed to be featuring. ESPN instead focused on “he said she said” sound bites to feed the corporate ABC/ESPN twitter account.
A joke is ESPN now, thanks for telling it like it is.
Foger
Just the hits baby, ESPN is like a top-40 Casey Casem fucking set. Nothing but humping the same old dogs, Favre, Tiger, Manny Ramirez, Arod, Boston Red Sox or Yankees anything. ESPN is obsessed with the east coast, the ESPN east coast bias lives cdaily in Sportscenter, even the shitty Hollywood version from LA.
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I like raidergirls.com, bookmarked under “Random Oakland Raiders” website.
betabob
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Rex