Jamarcus Russell Ate Oakland
“The Earringed Edsel” has eaten left the building…. QB Jamarcus Russell has been cut by the Oakland Raiders.
Flipping the script on the biggest loser, Jamarcus Russell has rededicated himself to obesity, and is now a member of the ”fat rich guys with nothing to do but golf and wonder what people are saying in hushed tones behind my back” club. Past presidents include, Ryan Leaf, Tony Mandarich, Brian Bosworth, and President in Perpetuity Barry Bonds.
“Ding Dong Ding Dong, Jamarcus the wicked walrus is gone”
The future is bright for Jamarcus Russell
Our beloved Raiders have officially cut ties and meal per-Diem’s with Jamarcus Russell, saving an estimated 6.45 million in salary, and costing four full time pastry chefs at 1220 Harbor Bay Parkway their jobs. It is also estimated that “Raiders One” the Oakland Raiders airplane stocked with Alabama Black Snake AirAsia’s finest Raidergirls themed yellow fever stewardesses will save an estimated 94,362 gallons of jet fuel in 2010 with the jettisoning of Jamarcus.
The Day the Jamarcus Juice Went Sour…
One moment from the 2009 season will forever mark the end of my drinking the “Jamarcus Russell Oakland Raiders
Quarterback” (meets Jonestown Massacre ???) Kool-Aid, and ironically it was against Jason Campbell and the Redskins. The previously benched Jamarcus is inserted for an injured and gamey Bruce Gradkowski in a close and hard fought game. The Raiders behind a gutty Gradkowski, were coming off a momentum building “feel good” win against the Steelers as 15-point dogs the previous week.
I was sitting in section 116, row 4, seat 7 that afternoon… directly behind the Raiders bench. Literally being feet from where the Raiders offense gathered between series, and close enough to take the surging pulse of the team with a glance or overheard conversation. The instant Jamarcus Russell took the helm there was a palpable sense of doom, and enough deflation of air to make the Hindenburg crash seem like a slow leak. No amount of Slime could patch the gaping leak in hope for the Raiders that day. The sense of impending doom was so great amongst Raiders Fans, I can only liken it (respectfully) to the heroic survivors of the USS Indianapolis. Once the ship sank (Gradkowski gets hurt) the survivors (the rest of the Raiders) were slowly picked apart by sharks (Campbell and the ‘skins) for five days (4 quarters). Left tackle Mario Henderson went from notably good to sieve in the course of one QB switch. The Tale of the Tape (is Peyton Manning studying this very tape right now, in preparation for the Raiders v Colts season finale… is he Jamarcus?) will show a visibly upset Henderson, regressing immediately. The plummeting sag in intensity was the most visible I have ever witnessed in Oakland, without someone being carted off the field taped to a backboard.
To lead a football team, you must inspire your teammates to reach new heights.
Jamarcus Russel simply reached new widths, and kept the Raiders airship grounded for 3 full seasons. ”Aim High” the Air Force likes to say, for much like the Oakland Coliseum which sits 21-feet below sea level, the lax Jamarcus Russell work ethic sunk 3 years of Vertical Game to subterranean levels deep in Mother Earth’s core.
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Jamonster… where to begin. sigh. we were all enticed by the workout videos, knowing you’ll never need to throw an nfl pass from 70 yards away, from your frigging knees. but yet, we all wanted to pick him that day it seems. “take a shot for the next elway” makes sense. when you’re shitty enough to pick a the very top. you might as well try and hit a grand salami. no safe pick lineman, a qb with a cannon.
then jamarcus decided preparation ans study weren’t really required, the bare minimum and athletic talent would suffice. alas not jamonster, you were never that good, just big and talented with a questionable work ethic. good luck on your next endeavor.
Can he still charge for autographs?