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I Don’t Hate ESPN or Sportscenter

February 11th, 2011

… I just want Sportscenter and ESPN to do better; and ask them not to try and control the entire world.

I really do not hate Sportscenter, despite ESPN’s blatant attempts at controlling and monetizing the entire sports world.  In this age 0f 24/7/365 everything, ESPN has managed to grow their niche product (all sports all the time) into a bloated media empire.  “Little ol’ ESPN” you say?… well here is that quaint sports network we fondly remember, back when Berman had hair and Sportscenter showed sports. ESPN, as described by one of its many parents…

“ESPN” from: http://corporate.disney.go.com/corporate/overview.html

“ESPN, Inc., The Worldwide Leader in Sports, is the leading multinational, multimedia sports entertainment company featuring the broadest portfolio of multimedia sports assets with over 50 business entities. Sports media assets include ESPN on ABC, six domestic cable television networks (ESPN, launched in 1979; ESPN2; ESPN Classic; ESPNEWS; ESPN Deportes; ESPNU), ESPN HD and ESPN2 HD (high-definition simulcast services of ESPN and ESPN2, respectively), ESPN Regional Television, ESPN International (31 international networks and syndication), ESPN Radio, ESPN.com, ESPN The Magazine, ESPN Enterprises, ESPN Zones (sports-themed restaurants licensed by ESPN), and other growing new businesses including ESPN360.com (Broadband), ESPN Mobile Properties (wireless), ESPN On Demand, ESPN Interactive and ESPN PPV. Based in Bristol, Ct., ESPN is 80 percent owned by ABC, Inc., which is an indirect subsidiary of The Walt Disney Company. The Hearst Corporation holds a 20 percent interest in ESPN.”

I really don’t trust the “…leading multinational, multimedia sports entertainment company featuring the broadest portfolio of multimedia sports assets with over 50 business entities” to deliver my unfiltered unspun sports news, any more than I trust Rupert Murdoch and Fox to be “Fair and Balanced” on politics. Sportscenters newest fascination, shifting and shaping self generated sports drama, then re-packaging it into “he said, she said” sound bites… all feeds corporate greed, and the never satiated hunger for “linkbait” content for ABC/Disney/ESPN to turn us into sporting foie gras, forcefeeding us heaps of ad laden crap about Brett favres retirement plans.

ESPN … your sp_ _ _ _ s leader?

Watch the video below, shitty footage of a shitty Sportscenter from 1-29-11… listen to the glee as ESPN plays a high school game of  “he called you a…”

 
Click for: espn-sportscenter-trash-talk-video

To ESPN’s credit, they usual run back and forth with the microphone getting “trash talk” sound bites, though I’ll guess Mathew Stafford simply wouldn’t play along when ESPN came a callin’.


S-P-O-R-T-S

Heres something I can guarantee hasn’t been pitched for ten years in the ESPN quality assurance meetings… the ones where the corporate heads discuss (as all corporations by charter and decree “must” do) how to squeeze even more profits out of the same consumers.  Lost in these discussion is Sportscenters very roots, sports. Sports, that silly and forgettable “S” in your Entertainment Sports Programming Network acronoym.

A peculiarly nasty aspect of “corporate” bliss is the need to grow shareholder revenue always, even when its obvious it brings about diminishing returns to your loyal consumers. It’s quite apparent now that every Sportscenter “production” meeting must begin and ends with this directive… “what we need to do, is figure out just how much blatant and egregious paid shilling these sports junkies will take before it affects our profits.”  Continuing… “Gentleman and Gentle women of ESPN we need something big, drama for your mama style, I want you to think along the lines of the Budwesier Hot Seat talking smack to the Coors Light cold hard facts.”

espn-trash-talk-sportscenter

ESPN - Loves Trash (read the screen) Talk


“ Sorry Adam Schefter, no no no NFL tweets until they’ve been thru the ABC/Disney/ESPN/AOL/KarlRove vetting process.”


 Do I hate ESPN? NO, god damnit. I’m saddened by the death of a great idea replaced by a consumer “product.”

A product like Sportscenter that is nearly 3/4 contrived drama, has a narcisssistic focus on the “anchors” at the expense of the sport, and features a nightly circle jerk over the next assinine move made by Manny ramirez, followed by a Twilight worthy mancrush segment on anything YankeeSox.

I’m actually trying to provide ESPN with an out… a magic wayback machine that recaptures Bermans hair blowing in the wind at Soldier field, long before you commissioned the ghost of Salvador Dali to design the Sportscenter set… telling him to “imagine timothy leary throwing paint in a room full of exploding Orange Crush.” Sounds like sports to me.

————— more ESPN Sportscenter articles ——————————–

ESPN East coast bias: ESPN Sportscenter East Coast bias

Breaking up With Sportscenter… Dear ESPN: Take Your Cat and Leave my Sweater

Credit where Due… ESPN World Cup soccer coverage awesome, ESPN Monday Night Football – Chucky & Jaws Rock

All ESPN Sportscenter posts on raidergirls.com (click “older entries” at end of each page for more ESPN related posts, including “ESPN Sportscenter: Horny Goat Weed back in Stock”)

TannerBoyle ESPN Sportscenter , , , , , ,

ESPN Sportscenter: Horny Goat Weed back in Stock

April 12th, 2010

Horny Goat Weed returns to the ESPN Sportscenter family…

dog-humping-espn-tiger-woods

Quienes tu Papa?

We all know a friend who has the cutest little dog; until that certain fuzzy pillow or furry squirrel toy appears…

 The mere sight of their obsession (my neighbors pug knocks boots with a mini-football… no Barry White required)  turns little “Puffermuffins” into a 12 pound ball of gyrating canine nookie, incapable of thought past that of R. Kelly at a senior prom.tiger-woods-dog-espn-sportscenter

 As the moth returns to the flame, Tiger Woods Playing in the Masters returns a warm fuzzy leg for Sportscenter to madly hump. Like a crank addicted OCD case in the Dr. Drew files, the addiction AND obligatory self-loathing play out publicly; under the intense glare of the 242,914 kilowatt Sportscenter set. Even now in an era when “color” in sports generally describes benign things like the hideous nature of Miami Dolphins Aqua & Orange, the mere sight of a black guy hitting a ball with a stick appears to send ESPN into a “bom chicka wah wah” tizzy, rivaled only by that of a Bon Jovi groupie backstage on ecstasy.


So smitten is ESPN with all things Tiger Woods, you may actually think nobody else even teed it up at Augusta. Did they???

ESPN-Tiger-woods

I Guess variety is not the spice of life...

   

As noted in a previous ESPN-OCD post, the editor who snuck a Padraig Harrington segment into Sportscenter (screen capture at left) was swiftly terminated with cause for grossly straying from Sportscenter’s mission statement. In clear violation of Policy & Procedure code (PP 947.2, subsection 6c)  which clearly states: “If it bleeds or misdeeds it leads.”  addendum A: a minimum of 89.2% of air time must be dedicated to drama involving the specific words “Tiger, Manny, A-rod, Favre, or Yankee-Sox” hereto collectively referred to as “the Precious.”

  

If Bob Beamon’s record Wasn’t Safe…

Long before Tiger parlayed flirting with the history of Nicklaus into a direct assualt on Chamberlain held territory, there was ESPN docudrama’ing his every range ball. Though ESPN was scooped that infamous night at the Woods mansion, catching wind of El Tigre taking aim at the Big Dipper while watching “When psycho chicks with 9-irons attack” on sister show TMZ.  

The worst part of this, I actually come out of this liking Tiger more. You see I’ve wanted to hate him, and have for some time. It wasn’t him per se, its just that I’ve hated “prodigies” in general since “tennis mom” and Todd & Marv Marinovich entered our lexicon. Now we find out Tiger is simply fucking human. Tigers humanity will deprive me of my dislike. I crave the yang of genuine disdain to balance the ying of my rooting interests, even in chummy old golf. Could I really love the Raiders as much without the Nitrous Oxide like added intensity of detesting the Donkeys? Bring on the Biff Elway and Shanirat NOS baby.

We will leave it to you gentle readers how best to summarize the symbolism of the picture below. Bow-wow-wow-yippeee-oh-yippee-aye Tiger….

tiger-woods-dog-elin-family

actiofzic ESPN Sportscenter, Uncategorized , , , , , , , ,

ESPN breaking news: Favre Conflicted, Manny had the Chicken Salad

July 28th, 2009

Thank god I raced home to watch Sportscenter tonight, as the “breaking news” was indeed a shocker…

 – BRETT FAVRE IS CONFLICTED ABOUT RETURN –

 

This headline won’t come as a shock…

– ESPN HAS OFFICIALY BECOME TMZ –

  

Thank you ESPN-ABC-DISNEY for turning the luscious Rachel Nichols into the sporting equivalent of Perez Hilton, complete with a live daily stalking of Brett Favre’s Gardener…

Rachel Nichols of TMZ/ESPN

Rachel Nichols of TMZ/ESPN

ESPN anchor:we go live now to Hattiesburg where Rachel Nichols updates us on the very latest on Brett Favre’s return… Rachel your still there, yuk-yuk, we can hear the traffic”

Nichols:yes, I was here this morning in camo fatigues stalking Brett’s dog groomer as he left the compound, he told me that in deep discussions with Favre during Princessess nail trimming, that Brett is somewhat conflicted.”

ESPN anchor: “let me get this straight Rach, so Brett is undecided about his return?”

Nichols: “thats what I’m hearing, though we expect a decision from Brett soon, say our sources…by the way gotta thank Favre’s pool boy for the ice tea, luscious and lemony .  I can now confirm that despite our Southern location, Brett does not, I repeat Brett does not - drink sweet tea.  thats all we have here, it’s back to the bushes with the long range lens for me guys.”

Brett favre puts <insert_team_name> in limbo

Brett favre puts the (insert team name here) in limbo

ESPN anchor: “Stay safe Rachel, switching gears to baseball now as our own Peter Gammons reports live from the bathroom of Pinks hot dog stand in Beverly Hills,  where Manny Ramirez has decided against the chili topping, opting instead for nacho cheese spread…”

 

 

  Despite the fact that ESPN has literally and figuratively gone Hollywood, it’s Sportscenters absolute obsession with “picking a popular horse” and then beating his story into the fucking ground…shamelessly ditching the inconvenient word SPORTS from their mission statement .

 

How to save 57 minutes of your life every day: from a 60-minute Sportscenter.  Promise me when I say this script WILL NOT change… and hasn’t changed in Brett Favre’s case in over two fucking years.

  • Sportscenter Intro Teaser:
    The latest on Brett Favre… Michael Vick wants to play football… Manny played baseball, and of course the Yankees and Red Sox… stay tuned for your Sports leader.

  • Sportscenter Minutes 1 through 57:
    Brett Favre
    - conflicted
    Arod -hits homer
    Manny Ramirez-  had chicken salad
    Michael Vick- who will he play for… Mortenson makes shit up
    Lebron James- every single bowel movement chronicled
    Tiger- is he the best ever?… again
    Yankees- whether they played or not
    Red Sox- woohoo, game 147 of 162

  • Sportscenter Minutes 57 through 60
    -coors light cold hard facts about the budwesier hot seat
    -32 seconds worth of highlights from any other team/game played that day
    -shameless ABC plug
    -tell us we’ll get the latest on Favre/Vick/Manny again tomorrow
    -rinse & repeat
Manny Ramirez shouts out to ESPN

Manny Ramirez- shouts out to ESPN

 

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