Despite the corporate hell induced sponsorship of every televised moment, blatant ABC programming plugs, and the obsession with anything East Coast, we still watch Sportscenter… we watch like lemmings craving our sports crack… lining up for meager handouts of sports played on Pacific Standard time.

No Chris Berman, its not your hairpiece talking back at you, it’s us Left Coasters pecking for morsels dropped behind the intoxicating vapor cloud of the East. Yet again absorbing 58 of the 60 minutes devoted to Yanks/Sox and “what kind of Eggs Benny Brett Favre had this morning.” 

 Proof of ESPN Sportscenter’s Yankees Red Sox East Coast Bias…

These screen shots were taken from the August 9th 2009 11pm EST Sportscenter. The left hand column showing what Sportscenter will talk about next is reprinted below for your impending doom reading courtesy.

 Sunday August 9th ESPN 11 ET Sportscenter Capture:

• Red Sox in the Playoffs?
• Mark Texeira
• Problems in Beantown
• AL East
• Yankees Sweep
• Yankees Speak
• Red Sox Yankees

 

“Looking at the screen capture with A-rod at the top of this blog post, the entire fucking Sportscenter screen is 100% completely dedicated to the Yankees and Red Sox, even the ticker at the bottom is complicit in this crime against any other teams.”   - comment from xraider21

 

Moving on in the August 9th Episode: we get to Sportscenters other way creepy obsessions… Fatal Attraction like fixation (Glenn Close still freaks me out… boiled rabbit anyone?) on individuals not their teams, effectively turning Rachel Nichols into Perez Hilton… “Rachel Nichols here live from the Favre compound with breaking news from Brett Favres groundskeeper…” <- sad but true story.  

 

 

 

 

 ESPN – If it bleeds, it leads…

Sportscenter’s “fair and balanced” reporting has a compulsion to slant coverage 10-to-1 negative to positive. Every salacious TMZ worthy story gets beaten to death, while actual SPORTING EVENTS battle for the few leftover minutes… T.O disses Mcnabb, PacMan makes it rain, Michael Vick anything, Terrell Owens disses Romo <funny T.O Ed Werder spoof video>, Manny Ramirez takes ‘roids, Arod Bangs reporter, T.O. hates Romo… ad nauseum.

Negative Rules at ESPN – Scientifically Proven:

This scientific study researched ESPN Sportscenters comments for 102 days  (seriously) recording the number of comments on both good and bad sportsmanship. Their findings…

“Data analysis indicated that sport as presented on Sportscenter was rife with poor sportsmanship, violence, and immoral behavior. Of the 355 comments, 352 were negative. Good sportsmanship and acts considered to be morally uplifting were rarely commented on.”      –  Education Resources Information Center

ESPN – Humping the legs that feed it

Whose legs did Sportscenter start humping immediately after running out of Yankess Red Sox material on Sunday August 9th…

…well let’s follow the ticker to the left up to “Terrell Owens” “Terrell Owens Expectations” and “Vince Young.” Not the Buffalo Bills, not Kerry Collins the amazing comeback story… nope, lets go with stories that the National Enquirer and the tabloids with 400lb babies on their cover write about.

Steroids, contracts, and bad conduct - your first 57 minutes of Sportcenter… but now onto highlights of actual games, live from our new ESPN Hollywood LSD Inspired set .  But hey, maybe we’ll show you a sappy and canned “feel good” story at the end to wash the distaste of tabloid sports reporting from your mouth. You can do better ESPN.

“I fully understand that sex and violence sells, but isn’t that what we have CNN, Entertainment Tonight, and Jack Bauer for? When did the beauty, athleticism, and NATURALLY OCCURING DRAMA of sport become not enough? Does TEAM have any meaning left?”

Now it’s time for a Tiger Woods Handjob…

Continuing on from the Sunday August 9th 2009 Sportscenter…

 

You can bet the editor that snuck the “Padraig Harrington” segment in was swiftly shitcanned.

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*****  Editors Idiots note: 4:24am, channeling Keith Urban here at oh-fucking-dark-thirty… 
“woke up this morning around 4am with the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate…”  Arising at some godforsaken hour, when without even a glance at the trusty “soothing sounds of nature” alarm clock, you KNOW its the middle of the friggin’ night… ghosts and goblins time- the witching hour- blah blah… waking to the nauseous glow of a Sportscenter moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate. 

The Sportscenter set on TV providing the only light in the room, a ceaselessly flickering montage from a cheapass 27″ tube. The “digital comb filter” carpet bombing my bleary eyes sans UV protection, courtesy of  the Mengele inspired transgender incest between DisneyABCespN… whose Sportcenter set I can adequately describe as a cross between a violent dust storm on Mars and a Seagull regurgitating clownfish over and over again to feed its young .

-WHY IS THERE NO FUCKING SLEEP BUTTON ON THIS TV-

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Dear ESPN:

This is a breakup letter… I am finally leaving you. I could text you this Timberlake style, but I thought this most dignified considering our always passionate, sometimes fiery 30-year relationship.

I’ll be brief as honestly I am actively seeking a new paramour in sporting lust; a slimmer version of what used to be you… before you went Hollywood on me. No doubt you are busy adding widgets, inking the “Coors Light cold hard facts about the Budwesier Hot Seat” sponsorship deal, and playing with even more mutations of Pantone orange #021c.

Initially you were my savior, filling the massive sporting void between  5 minutes of  Ted Leitner  and Al Gore founding this whole internet thing. Now you have become a bloated caricature of yourself on par with Entertainment Tonight and the Springer Show, fellating yourself every time T.O. spews verbal diarrhea on the mike. Showing me yet again, 4 minutes of ACTUAL SPORTS HIGHLIGHTS, sprinkled amongst contrived drama between John Clayton and (is he wearing pants?) Sean Salisbury, detailing every chunk of corn found in the latest Manny Ramirez bowel movement.

“Who’s now” you ask? Well I haven’t found her yet. Yet unlike my proverbial childhood “girlfriend in Canada,” she IS real and she is coming. She’ll provide me what my souls seeks… raw, unfiltered, drama free, Hollywood exempt, explicitly carnal, sports footage.

She’ll sprinkle in some authentic commentary and analysis, but mostly she’ll just shut the hell up and “let them play.”

Boo-yah.

Sincerely,
Tanner Boyle

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