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I Don’t Hate ESPN or Sportscenter

February 11th, 2011

… I just want Sportscenter and ESPN to do better; and ask them not to try and control the entire world.

I really do not hate Sportscenter, despite ESPN’s blatant attempts at controlling and monetizing the entire sports world.  In this age 0f 24/7/365 everything, ESPN has managed to grow their niche product (all sports all the time) into a bloated media empire.  “Little ol’ ESPN” you say?… well here is that quaint sports network we fondly remember, back when Berman had hair and Sportscenter showed sports. ESPN, as described by one of its many parents…

“ESPN” from: http://corporate.disney.go.com/corporate/overview.html

“ESPN, Inc., The Worldwide Leader in Sports, is the leading multinational, multimedia sports entertainment company featuring the broadest portfolio of multimedia sports assets with over 50 business entities. Sports media assets include ESPN on ABC, six domestic cable television networks (ESPN, launched in 1979; ESPN2; ESPN Classic; ESPNEWS; ESPN Deportes; ESPNU), ESPN HD and ESPN2 HD (high-definition simulcast services of ESPN and ESPN2, respectively), ESPN Regional Television, ESPN International (31 international networks and syndication), ESPN Radio, ESPN.com, ESPN The Magazine, ESPN Enterprises, ESPN Zones (sports-themed restaurants licensed by ESPN), and other growing new businesses including ESPN360.com (Broadband), ESPN Mobile Properties (wireless), ESPN On Demand, ESPN Interactive and ESPN PPV. Based in Bristol, Ct., ESPN is 80 percent owned by ABC, Inc., which is an indirect subsidiary of The Walt Disney Company. The Hearst Corporation holds a 20 percent interest in ESPN.”

I really don’t trust the “…leading multinational, multimedia sports entertainment company featuring the broadest portfolio of multimedia sports assets with over 50 business entities” to deliver my unfiltered unspun sports news, any more than I trust Rupert Murdoch and Fox to be “Fair and Balanced” on politics. Sportscenters newest fascination, shifting and shaping self generated sports drama, then re-packaging it into “he said, she said” sound bites… all feeds corporate greed, and the never satiated hunger for “linkbait” content for ABC/Disney/ESPN to turn us into sporting foie gras, forcefeeding us heaps of ad laden crap about Brett favres retirement plans.

ESPN … your sp_ _ _ _ s leader?

Watch the video below, shitty footage of a shitty Sportscenter from 1-29-11… listen to the glee as ESPN plays a high school game of  “he called you a…”

 
Click for: espn-sportscenter-trash-talk-video

To ESPN’s credit, they usual run back and forth with the microphone getting “trash talk” sound bites, though I’ll guess Mathew Stafford simply wouldn’t play along when ESPN came a callin’.


S-P-O-R-T-S

Heres something I can guarantee hasn’t been pitched for ten years in the ESPN quality assurance meetings… the ones where the corporate heads discuss (as all corporations by charter and decree “must” do) how to squeeze even more profits out of the same consumers.  Lost in these discussion is Sportscenters very roots, sports. Sports, that silly and forgettable “S” in your Entertainment Sports Programming Network acronoym.

A peculiarly nasty aspect of “corporate” bliss is the need to grow shareholder revenue always, even when its obvious it brings about diminishing returns to your loyal consumers. It’s quite apparent now that every Sportscenter “production” meeting must begin and ends with this directive… “what we need to do, is figure out just how much blatant and egregious paid shilling these sports junkies will take before it affects our profits.”  Continuing… “Gentleman and Gentle women of ESPN we need something big, drama for your mama style, I want you to think along the lines of the Budwesier Hot Seat talking smack to the Coors Light cold hard facts.”

espn-trash-talk-sportscenter

ESPN - Loves Trash (read the screen) Talk


“ Sorry Adam Schefter, no no no NFL tweets until they’ve been thru the ABC/Disney/ESPN/AOL/KarlRove vetting process.”


 Do I hate ESPN? NO, god damnit. I’m saddened by the death of a great idea replaced by a consumer “product.”

A product like Sportscenter that is nearly 3/4 contrived drama, has a narcisssistic focus on the “anchors” at the expense of the sport, and features a nightly circle jerk over the next assinine move made by Manny ramirez, followed by a Twilight worthy mancrush segment on anything YankeeSox.

I’m actually trying to provide ESPN with an out… a magic wayback machine that recaptures Bermans hair blowing in the wind at Soldier field, long before you commissioned the ghost of Salvador Dali to design the Sportscenter set… telling him to “imagine timothy leary throwing paint in a room full of exploding Orange Crush.” Sounds like sports to me.

————— more ESPN Sportscenter articles ——————————–

ESPN East coast bias: ESPN Sportscenter East Coast bias

Breaking up With Sportscenter… Dear ESPN: Take Your Cat and Leave my Sweater

Credit where Due… ESPN World Cup soccer coverage awesome, ESPN Monday Night Football – Chucky & Jaws Rock

All ESPN Sportscenter posts on raidergirls.com (click “older entries” at end of each page for more ESPN related posts, including “ESPN Sportscenter: Horny Goat Weed back in Stock”)

TannerBoyle ESPN Sportscenter , , , , , ,

ESPN Sportscenter: Horny Goat Weed back in Stock

April 12th, 2010

Horny Goat Weed returns to the ESPN Sportscenter family…

dog-humping-espn-tiger-woods

Quienes tu Papa?

We all know a friend who has the cutest little dog; until that certain fuzzy pillow or furry squirrel toy appears…

 The mere sight of their obsession (my neighbors pug knocks boots with a mini-football… no Barry White required)  turns little “Puffermuffins” into a 12 pound ball of gyrating canine nookie, incapable of thought past that of R. Kelly at a senior prom.tiger-woods-dog-espn-sportscenter

 As the moth returns to the flame, Tiger Woods Playing in the Masters returns a warm fuzzy leg for Sportscenter to madly hump. Like a crank addicted OCD case in the Dr. Drew files, the addiction AND obligatory self-loathing play out publicly; under the intense glare of the 242,914 kilowatt Sportscenter set. Even now in an era when “color” in sports generally describes benign things like the hideous nature of Miami Dolphins Aqua & Orange, the mere sight of a black guy hitting a ball with a stick appears to send ESPN into a “bom chicka wah wah” tizzy, rivaled only by that of a Bon Jovi groupie backstage on ecstasy.


So smitten is ESPN with all things Tiger Woods, you may actually think nobody else even teed it up at Augusta. Did they???

ESPN-Tiger-woods

I Guess variety is not the spice of life...

   

As noted in a previous ESPN-OCD post, the editor who snuck a Padraig Harrington segment into Sportscenter (screen capture at left) was swiftly terminated with cause for grossly straying from Sportscenter’s mission statement. In clear violation of Policy & Procedure code (PP 947.2, subsection 6c)  which clearly states: “If it bleeds or misdeeds it leads.”  addendum A: a minimum of 89.2% of air time must be dedicated to drama involving the specific words “Tiger, Manny, A-rod, Favre, or Yankee-Sox” hereto collectively referred to as “the Precious.”

  

If Bob Beamon’s record Wasn’t Safe…

Long before Tiger parlayed flirting with the history of Nicklaus into a direct assualt on Chamberlain held territory, there was ESPN docudrama’ing his every range ball. Though ESPN was scooped that infamous night at the Woods mansion, catching wind of El Tigre taking aim at the Big Dipper while watching “When psycho chicks with 9-irons attack” on sister show TMZ.  

The worst part of this, I actually come out of this liking Tiger more. You see I’ve wanted to hate him, and have for some time. It wasn’t him per se, its just that I’ve hated “prodigies” in general since “tennis mom” and Todd & Marv Marinovich entered our lexicon. Now we find out Tiger is simply fucking human. Tigers humanity will deprive me of my dislike. I crave the yang of genuine disdain to balance the ying of my rooting interests, even in chummy old golf. Could I really love the Raiders as much without the Nitrous Oxide like added intensity of detesting the Donkeys? Bring on the Biff Elway and Shanirat NOS baby.

We will leave it to you gentle readers how best to summarize the symbolism of the picture below. Bow-wow-wow-yippeee-oh-yippee-aye Tiger….

tiger-woods-dog-elin-family

actiofzic ESPN Sportscenter, Uncategorized , , , , , , , ,

ESPN Sportscenter – Yankees Red Sox Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

August 10th, 2009
Sportscenter 100% Yankees Red Sox - all other sports and teams declared unworthy

Diversity ESPN style: 100% of the screen dedicated to the Yankees and Red Sox

ESPN Sportscenters  Top 10 Obsessive Compulsive Disorders

… in order of their lack of importance to the New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox.

  • Tiger Woods
  • Brett Favre
  • Manny Ramirez
  • Alex Rodriguez
  • New York Jets
  • Lebron James
  • Dallas Cowboys
  • Michael Vick
  • Steroids, Holdouts, Contract Disputes,Strippers, Drugs, Shootings, Sex
  • Every other team (just kidding, we know there are no other teams)

Fatal Attraction – The ESPN Sportscenter East Coast Bias Has reached new levels of absurdity…

 

Tivo is a beautiful yet punishing creature, certainly worthy of its 96% customer satisfaction ratings, yet each day it inflicts permits a Sportscenter inspired Groundhog Day upon me. Curse you Bill Murray…

see above - ESPN declares itself to be the Yankees / Yes Network

ESPN Sportscenter - The Yankees / Yes Network

 

Despite the corporate hell induced sponsorship of every televised moment, blatant ABC programming plugs, and the obsession with anything East Coast, we still watch Sportscenter… we watch like lemmings craving our sports crack… lining up for meager handouts of sports played on Pacific Standard time.


No Chris Berman, its not your hairpiece talking back at you, it’s us Left Coasters pecking for morsels dropped behind the intoxicating vapor cloud of the East. Yet again absorbing 58 of the 60 minutes devoted to Yanks/Sox and “what kind of Eggs Benny Brett Favre had this morning.” 

 Proof of ESPN Sportscenter’s Yankees Red Sox East Coast Bias…

These screen shots were taken from the August 9th 2009 11pm EST Sportscenter. The left hand column showing what Sportscenter will talk about next is reprinted below for your impending doom reading courtesy.

Note to ESPN: Rodeo Drive has nothing to do with West Coast sports.

Anybody else playing Baseball these days?

 Sunday August 9th ESPN 11 ET Sportscenter Capture:

  • Red Sox in the Playoffs?
  • Mark Texeira
  • Problems in Beantown
  • AL East
  • Yankees Sweep
  • Yankees Speak
  • Red Sox Yankees

 

“Looking at the screen capture with A-rod at the top of this blog post, the entire fucking Sportscenter screen is 100% completely dedicated to the Yankees and Red Sox, even the ticker at the bottom is complicit in this crime against any other teams.”   - comment from xraider21

 

Kenny Mayne says "It puts the Yankees Lotion in the basket, it rubs the Red Sox lotion on its skin"

Kenny Mayne says "It puts the Yankees Lotion in the basket, it rubs the Brett Favre lotion on its skin"

Moving on in the August 9th Episode: we get to Sportscenters other way creepy obsessions… Fatal Attraction like fixation (Glenn Close still freaks me out… boiled rabbit anyone?) on individuals not their teams, effectively turning Rachel Nichols into Perez Hilton… “Rachel Nichols here live from the Favre compound with breaking news from Brett Favres groundskeeper…” <- sad but true story.  

 

 

 

 

 ESPN – If it bleeds, it leads…

Sportscenter’s “fair and balanced” reporting has a compulsion to slant coverage 10-to-1 negative to positive. Every salacious TMZ worthy story gets beaten to death, while actual SPORTING EVENTS battle for the few leftover minutes… T.O disses Mcnabb, PacMan makes it rain, Michael Vick anything, Terrell Owens disses Romo <funny T.O Ed Werder spoof video>, Manny Ramirez takes ‘roids, Arod Bangs reporter, T.O. hates Romo… ad nauseum.

Negative Rules at ESPN – Scientifically Proven:

This scientific study researched ESPN Sportscenters comments for 102 days  (seriously) recording the number of comments on both good and bad sportsmanship. Their findings…

“Data analysis indicated that sport as presented on Sportscenter was rife with poor sportsmanship, violence, and immoral behavior. Of the 355 comments, 352 were negative. Good sportsmanship and acts considered to be morally uplifting were rarely commented on.”      –  Education Resources Information Center

ESPN – Humping the legs that feed it

Whose legs did Sportscenter start humping immediately after running out of Yankess Red Sox material on Sunday August 9th…

No mas Yankees & Sox: lets go T.O and Vince Young

No mas Yankees & Sox: lets go T.O and Vince Young

…well let’s follow the ticker to the left up to “Terrell Owens” “Terrell Owens Expectations” and “Vince Young.” Not the Buffalo Bills, not Kerry Collins the amazing comeback story… nope, lets go with stories that the National Enquirer and the tabloids with 400lb babies on their cover write about.

Steroids, contracts, and bad conduct - your first 57 minutes of Sportcenter… but now onto highlights of actual games, live from our new ESPN Hollywood LSD Inspired set .  But hey, maybe we’ll show you a sappy and canned “feel good” story at the end to wash the distaste of tabloid sports reporting from your mouth. You can do better ESPN.


“I fully understand that sex and violence sells, but isn’t that what we have CNN, Entertainment Tonight, and Jack Bauer for? When did the beauty, athleticism, and NATURALLY OCCURING DRAMA of sport become not enough? Does TEAM have any meaning left?”

Now it’s time for a Tiger Woods Handjob…

Continuing on from the Sunday August 9th 2009 Sportscenter…

espn-sportscenter-tiger-woods-journalism 

You can bet the editor that snuck the “Padraig Harrington” segment in was swiftly shitcanned.

emefrorge ESPN Sportscenter, Uncategorized , , , , , , ,